and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Randomize
