I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
