Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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