The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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