Your tits are I can't wait for
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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