I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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