so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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