Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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