Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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