I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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