just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
