I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize