Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
