come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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