If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm like, not good at living.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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