I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
