Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
