After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
