Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
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My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
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Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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