Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
