I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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