i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
