im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
