false alarm. still invincible.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
