you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize