Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
