just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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