I wish you could order shots online.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
