my mouth tastes like poor choices
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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