so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
