Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
