I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
