Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
