Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you win again, gameday.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
