youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
