My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
