I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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