can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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