im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
