and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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