It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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