I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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