Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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