Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
