Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
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He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
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There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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