Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
