guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
