There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
