Betty ford says i'm here all night
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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