I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
