Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
