Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
