I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
