Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
